my morning has been tensed, uneasy and a whole lot of pain. 2.30pm; i’ll officially be withdrawing from the university i’ve fought so hard to get accepted into. it’s probably the largest stone i’ve to put down, sending that contract back, putting that pen down. The heart feels heavy, the head feels light i just want to sleep it off, but here i am fighting this huge surge of overwhelming despondency in a four wall enclosure killing me with its deafening silence. i feel like i’m about to explode into this million tiny balls of sadness, anytime, soon. good morning.
“My heart is drumming in my chest so hard it aches, but it’s the good kind of ache, like the feeling you get on the first real day of autumn, when the air is crisp and the leaves are all flaring at the edges and the wind smells just vaguely of smoke - like the end and the beginning of something all at once.”
I run for I don’t know how long. Hours, maybe, or days. Alex told me to run. So I run. You have to understand. I am no one special. I am just a single girl. I am five feet two inches tall and I am in-between in every way. But I have a secret. You can build walls all the way to the sky and I will find a way to fly above them. You can try to pin me down with a hundred thousand arms, but I will find a way to resist. And there are many of us out there, more than you think. People who refuse to stop believing. People who refuse to come to earth. People who love in a world without walls, people who love into hate, into refusal, against hope,and without fear.
Last night left me thinking hard, maybe chances were given too freely, it probably killed us. Maybe all the differences, all the beliefs, all the dreams we desperately held on to were what torn us apart. Maybe, it was just you, just me. Maybe it was your consistent trying, my consistent insistence that got us going. Maybe it was this wonderbox that keeps churning out the weirdest forgiveness in this world that kept us strong. someone that keeps having faith in me, someone that i thought i knew too well but barely knew. Feels like i’ve been seeing a stranger, but I like that.